How to be a GUIDO The Definitive Guido Guide

Yo, so you wanna learn how to be your favorite Guido or Guidette? That's cool! But ya can't just say you're one. Ya gotta know what you're doing, capice? Ya gotta walk the part, dress the part, act the part and talk the part, right? This is no easy feat! It will take time and dedication. OK, so here's where you'll find everything ya need to know to be the best Guido you can be.

Dress like a Guido | Dress like a Guidette | Look like a Guido | Look like a Guidette | Act like a Guido | Act like a Guidette



DRESS LIKE A GUIDO

The Tee

All tees, regardless of their style (crew, v-neck or muscle/wifebeater/guinea tee), should be at least one to two sizes smaller than you would normally wear. This is essential to show off your hard chest, large muscular arms and six-pack abs. Affliction, Ed Hardy and Armani Exchange are fav designers of Guidos.



The Open Shirt

A button down shirt, preferably with the sleeves cut off, left open to show your finely sculpted abs is perfect for when you want to "dress up."


The Guido Tuxedo

The Guido Tuxedo (a.k.a. a track or running suit) is another essential piece to your Guido wardrobe. The jacket, worn with or without a muscle tee (a.k.a. wifebeater or guinea tee) is never fully zipped. The Guido Tuxedo can be accessorized with The Cross or The Rosary Necklace.





The NYC Baseball Cap

No matter where you live, it's gotta be a NYC baseball cap that's tilted at least ten degrees. The perfect brim tilt is 23 degrees but you can try the 37-, 59-, or the 111-degree tilt if that works for you. But, anything less than a ten degree tilt won't show your Guido status.


The Fedora

Show your honor to past Guidos with The Fedora. Push it back so it sits on the crown of your head so you can still smush with a Guidette or pull the brim low over your eyes if you forgot your shades. While the baseball cap tilt is to the left or right, the fedora tilt is up or down.





The Bandana

Fold a biker scarf or a large handkerchief into a sweatband. Knot it tight around the back of your head just short of giving you a headache or leaving a red forehead welt that wouldn't look cool when it gets yanked off during a hook-up.


The Sweatband

A plain terrycloth headband/sweatband is always considered cool and comfortable. For added flare, experiment with other colors such as pink or purple.







The Cross

Gold, silver or filled with stones, it don't matter. As long as it's a cross and it's worn on a heavy chain around your neck, you're good to go.




The Rosary Necklace

The Rosary Necklace

Hang a rosary necklace around your neck. But it can't be a cheapo, plastic thingy knotted on a string. It's gotta have large beads with metal links and a crucifix.



The Gold or The Silver

The Gold or The Silver

Go for The Gold or The Silver! Necklaces, watches, pinkie rings, and bracelets – if it's big, clunky, and shiny, you're slammin' Guido style.








The Guido Dog Tags

The Dog Tags

OK, so maybe you didn't serve yourself, but if your pop, grandpa or other relative did, wear his dog tags. It's like patriotic.





The Tattoos

The Tattoos (a.k.a. ink or tats) are another essential accessory for Guidos for showing off their finely juiced body. Tribal tattoos as ancient symbols are especially popular. Other admired designs include tats of wild animals, cars (especially the Cadillac) and naked women. And don't forget the ever-popular "Mom" because a Guido always puts his mom first. You got a problem with that?



The Guido Shades

The Shades

It ain't cool to squint, plus dark sunglasses make it easier for you to check out the Guidettes without them knowing you're eyeing them up, down and all around. But they gotta be the right kind. And if you can't afford Prada or Versace, head over to Chinatown for a pair of aviator or white frame look-alike shades. Maybe nobody will notice they're not the real thing. And if you don't need them dark, go with whatever shade of shades you like.


The Studs

No, not the Guidos themselves, but the earring studs they wear. Square cut is preferred and diamonds (or really cool-lookin' CZs) are a jewelry staple with Guidos. They just gotta be big and sparkle.









DRESS LIKE A GUIDETTE

The Guidette Top

The Top

Tight female-sized muscle tees, tanks, bikini tops and tube tops are essential to show the cleave of your bountiful boobies. Cropped tops are critical to emphasize tightly toned abs. Black, white or red lace bras are optional.







Guidette Mini Skirt

The Skirt

If you can sit in the skirt and you can't see your thong, your skirt's not short enough. And if you can sit at all, the skirt's not tight enough.


Guidette Shorts

The Shorts

Like the skirt, the shorts should be tiny enough that your butt checks stick out. In other words, Daisy Dukes aren't short enough.





Guidette Jeans

The Jeans

Skinny super-low rise acid-washed and/or ripped designer jeans that have been made even tighter by sitting in a tub of hot water and letting them dry while you're wearing them to become like a second skin are almost tight enough. They also need to be cut low enough that the waistband of your thong is exposed.



Guidette Dress

The Dress

The dress should be bright and tight and/or made from less than a yard of animal print fabric, with a cheetah print being the most popular. The dress, like the skirt, needs to be shorter than a micro-mini and too tight to sit in unless you're wearing spandex or jersey –preferred dress fabrics of Guidettes. Sequins and beads will kick up the sex factor. Plunging necklines, strapless and/or super sexy high slits are a given.








LOOK LIKE A GUIDO

Guido GTL

The GTL

You gotta look good to be a real Guido and that takes time. So plan you day with The GTL in mind. That's like goin' to the Gym, the Tanning salon and the Laundry.


The GYM

You wanna be juiced with a hard-muscled, toned body? Well, goombah, that ain't gonna just happen with you eatin' all of your Mama's pasta. It takes work. So start pumpin' iron at the gym. When you lift your tee for pictures, ya gotta be able to see the washboard abs and the bulging biceps. If you don't work it, you're not gonna have a body as fine as The Situation's. And if you don't look like you have a gorilla bod, you can't perform a robbery and steal someone else's Guidette. Dig?

Guido Tan

The Tan

Get a membership for the local tanning salon because you'll be goin' almost every day. If you got the time, lay down in the Guido coffin (tanning bed). If you're in a rush, get a spray tan or use a self-bronzer that comes just short of lookin' like an Oompa Loompa. Fake tans are much more prized than ones gotten by layin' in the sun at the beach. You don't want the wind and water to attempt to wreck the blowout. C'mon! That wouldn't be cool.





Guido Laundry

The Laundry

Unless you're livin' at home or live close enough and your mom's doing the laundry, ya gotta plan doing your laundry into you schedule. That includes ironing your shirts or takin' them to the cleaner's to be pressed. It's all part of The GTL. A Guido never looks dirty or wrinkled. You gotta be clean and neat to creep on a Guidette.

Guido Blowout

The Blowout

The Blowout requires wet, clean hair, at least three styling tools (high-powered hair dryer, flat iron, and a hair pick), two styling products (either spike gel or a hair wax and an aerosol hair "glue"), and at least thirty minutes. Blow dry hair using a hair pick and comb all of your hair in an upward style. Add an excessive amount of gel or wax into your hair. Hit it with the dryer and hair pick again until you've achieved the perfect rolled up style. Spray with at least a half a can of aerosol hair "glue." Keep picking and spraying until you've achieved your perfectly round blowout. This look can't be rushed. See Pauly D's excellent overview on how to style a blowout.


Guido Spiker

The Spiker

To achieve The Spiker, style your hair straight up as you would with The Blowout. But after you've applied the hair gel or hair wax, pull up small sections of hair into points all over your head. Spray and repeat picking the hair up with your fingers until you have perfect points. The final effect should look like you were standin' in a puddle when you stuck your finger in a light socket. And if a tornado comes by and your hair moves, you didn't use enough glue.


Guido Fohawk

The Fohawk

The Fohawk (aka The Fauxhawk or The Fo-hawk) is an updated version of the trendy Mohawk of the '80s. The hair on top of your head in a Guido Fohawk, while longer than the sides, isn't as exaggerated as the Mohawk. The Fohawk, like The Blowout, also requires multiple styling products and tools and needs to be cut every one to two weeks for max Guido style.



Guido Facial Hair

The Facial Hair

When neatly trimmed, The Stubble looks good (no, you can't just let your hair grow for a couple of days and call it cool, it's got to be strategically shaved), but for many Guidettes it's like smooching on sandpaper. So if you want maximum kissy-face time, you could go with The Chinstrap which would leave your face smooth and smush-worthy while sporting a quarter to half inch wide beard that goes from ear to ear (like one long sideburn that wraps under your chin). Or, if you're more of a jazzy Guido, you could sport The Soul Patch which is a neatly cut inverted triangular or square beard under your lower lip.




LOOK LIKE A GUIDETTE

Guidette Hoops

The Hoops

Go big or go home! If your earrings can't easily slip over a can of tomatoes, your hoops ain't large enough.








The Cross Earings

If you don't want your hair or a Guido's fingers to get tangled in your hoops, go with The Cross earrings. But there's nothin' dainty about these crosses. They're big, shiny and they gotta dangle almost to your shoulders.




Guidette Necklace

The Necklace

A Guidette always has jewelry choices to match her mood. Like a Guido, you can go for The Gold or The Silver and wear multiple strands of chains, a monstrous sized cross or anything that is big and bold and preferably draws focus to your big boobies.










Guidette Heels

The Heels

Unless you're at the beach or hangin' in the house, heels should be six inches or higher and super thin or wedges. Jimmy Choo's, Manolo's or Christian Loubatin's are ideal. If you can't afford the Loubatin's, just spray paint your soles and the back of the heels in a shiny, bright red. Hey, it's dark in the clubs, who'll know? However, wobbling on the spikes is so not cool, so practice walkin' and dancin' in them before you debut them at the clubs.




Guidette Purse

The Bag

LV (or Louie V or Louis Vuitton), Prada, Coach or Juicy Couture, are the prized purses. Even if it's just a good look-alike from Chinatown or the swap shop, it's gotta be big enough to hold a change of thongs, your iPhone, all of your makeup, money, toothbrush, hair brush, credit cards and a change of clothes so you don't look like you're doing the "walk of shame" the next morning after a Guido hook-up. It also has to be splashy and have someone's name or initials printed all over it. The more zips and doodads on it, the better.





Guidette Pouf

The Bump / The Pouf

The Bump (aka The Pouf) pays homage to '60s Guidettes. The hair needs to be teased high at the crown or you can use a plastic form to lift your hair so it looks like you got a huge lump on your head. Pin or clip into place and spray with an aerosol hair glue. The rest of your hair should be long and straight so a Guido has somethin' to grab onto during a grind, smushing or a hook-up.







Guidette Makeup

The Makeup

Subtle is not in a Guidette's vocabulary. Your makeup should include smoky eyes lined in kohl black with super thick, black eyelashes (even if you need to use fake ones). If you don't look hot, you'll be called The Grenade when hanging out with your Guidette gang and no Guido is gonna feel the vibe. Then some drunk wingman will have to fall on you and get you outta the way so his Guido bud can creep on your gorgeous Guidette gal-pal. So take your time and do your makeup right 'cause you don't want to get stuck sucking face with a wingman.

Guidette Tan

The Tan

Like a Guido, you'll want to use a tanning booth or a spray tan. If you're doing the spray tan, go naked. Bikini lines? Fuhgeddaboutit! And if you think your bronzer will wash off, don't shower with a Guido after you've hooked up. You'll get streaky and freak him out and he'll hate on you.




Guidette Sunglasses

The Sunglasses

If you squint, you get wrinkles. That's so not a Guidette's style. The Sunglasses should be big, bold, and preferably made by Prada, Gucci or Versace (or look like they are) with whatever shade of tinted glass you want.




Guidette Hat

The Hat

The fav Guidette hat is an Ed Hardy or a NY Yankees baseball cap. Like The Fedora on a Guido, the cap tilt is up or down rather than to the left or right. The tilt will vary whether you're smooching on a Guido or are trying to hide the dark circles under your eyes caused by a night of clubbing.




Guido Fowhawk

The Headband

A pink terrycloth headband keeps your hair out of your face when applying makeup and is also helpful for keeping your hair out of your mouth when smooching on a Guido.



Guidette Nails

The Nails

Long and bright are preferred, but you can do multiple shades or even a French manicure/pedicure. They should be filed square cut instead of points so you don't accidentally scratch a Guido when hooking up or smushing.




Guidette Gym

The Gym

Maintaining tight abs is essential to show off your belly button ring under your cropped top or with your bikini. That means you gotta work out in The Gym rather than just shopping or hooking up for your exercise.







ACT LIKE A GUIDO

Guido Fist Pump

The Fist Pump

Don't get caught lookin' like a wannabe on the dance floor. You gotta learn the fist pump (aka The Guido Punch and The Guido Pump). All you gotta do is clench your fist, flex your arm and bring your fist toward your shoulder. Then extend the fist away from your body in a punching fashion in different angles. Keep repeating. You get extra points if you get your other Guido buds to form a circle and pound it out on the floor to the techno sounds while you "beat up the beat." Then rise to join your Guidette. What your feet are doing isn't as important as the fist pump. And if you can grind on a Guidette while performing the fist pump in time to the music, you're a master.

Guido Basic Pose

The Basic Pose

When you're a super cool Guido, you don't have to do anything more than just plant your hands on your hips.






Guido Goose & Jager Pose

The Goose / The Jager Pose

When a camera's pointing your way, grab a bottle of The Goose (a.k.a. Grey Goose) or The Jager (a.k.a. Jagermeister) and hold it like a guitar, pose with it low like a phallic symbol, or hoist it up like you're about to take a slug out of it.




Guido Peace Pose

The Peace Pose

Hold up your index and middle fingers to form a "V" and fold down the ring, pinky and thumb toward or away from the camera to create a Peace sign.




Guido Horn Pose

The Horn Pose

Fold down your thumb, middle and ring fingers so just your index and pinky are sticking up to signify a classic superstitious Italian gesture or point your fingers to "curse" someone.




Guidette Pouf

The Rock On Pose

Similar to The Horn pose, The Rock On gesture is coupled with your tongue sticking out to jive up the band at rock concerts.




Guido Single Finger Salute

The Single Finger Salute Pose / The Flipping the Bird Pose

Turn your hand toward you. Fold down all of your fingers except your middle finger. Do we really gotta tell you what that means?



Guido Kissy Face

The Kissy Face / The Mouth Pout

Guidos don't give no cheesy grins in pics. So pucker up and flash The Kissy Face (a.k.a. The Mouth Pout) to the camera.




Guido Abs

The Abs Pose

Lift up your shirt with one hand to show off your washboard abs and use your other hand to hold The Goose or The Jager or choose to show off The Peace, The Rock On/The Horn or The Single Finger Salute. Made popular by Jersey Shore's "The Situation."





Guido Abs Variation

The Abs Pose Variation

Lift your shirt with one hand and pull down the waistband of your jeans with the other hand for greater ab exposure.




Guido Fowhawk

The Guido Master Pose

Combine The Kissy Face/The Mouth Pout while holding The Goose or The Jager and signaling with The Peace, The Rock On/The Horn, or The Single Finger Salute and you'll pose like a Guido Master. Extra points if you can combine these elements while creeping on a Guidette at the same time.





ACT LIKE A GUIDETTE

Guidette Hoops

The Grind

When on the dance floor, face your Guido and wrap one of your legs around his hips. Do The Grind in time to the music. It's "Dirty Dancing" with an attitude. Extra points are given for wrapping both arms and legs around him, doing The Grind, and not falling over or having him drop you on your butt.




The Butt Grind

Back up to your Guido, bend over to a 45-degree or greater angle and grind your butt on his pelvic area in time to the music.





Guidette Necklace

The Guidette Gang Pose

Gather your Guidette gal pals, wrap your arms around each other, and do The Kissy Face/The Mouth Pout with or without flashing The Peace, The Rock On/The Horns or The Single Finger Salute.







Guidette Heels

The Cig Pose

Wrap one arm around your best Guidette gal pal (or pose alone) and hold your cig (cigarette) low with one hand. Go with a sexy or bitchy stare at the camera. This can be alternated with The Kissy Face/The Mouth Pout.




Guidette Purse Guidette Purse

The Booty Pose

Stand sideways and arch your back to show of your bodacious booty.






Guidette Pouf

The F U Pose

Similar to The Horn pose, The Rock On gesture is coupled with your tongue sticking out to jive up the band at rock concerts.









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